How do I do without......

The Friday BBQ is nearing and I've been getting requests to bake. Aside from the problem of what to bake and where to store the cake during the BBQ, I am hesitant to bake this time. Not because I am lazy, its expensive or I have no time, but rather, I don't have the heart to do so.

People used to ask me. How do you bake so nice? I don't think I'm a fantastic baker. Self-learning from the internet and having a few recipe books. That's all I have. In fact, I don't recall baking anything more than once. Never repeated any of the stuff I made. Bake once. That's it. Next time try a different recipe. Of course there's room for improvement, since nothing is perfect, but still I would like to try something different everytime. So what's the *secret* behind these delicious cakes or cupcakes? The answer: Love.

Whenever I baked in the past, it was usually for a reason. I always (and I stress, ALWAYS) baked with someone in my mind and heart. We've all heard it before in some variation or another. I never really questioned it until people started asking how did I make it so nice or what sort of secret did I have. Never found the answer until recently. Why recently? Because recently I've emptied my heart. And because of this emptiness, it made me realize how nice it is to have someone in your heart. (Or perhaps it would be better if it was reciprocated. Though I may never find out.)

Yet while I think how nice it is to have someone in your heart, I tend to forget about the negative aspects of it. How miserable and depressed I was. How crazy I was over that person. Its almost the same everytime. But the effects are more severe each time. Sometimes it makes me afraid just to think that I could place someone more important than myself. (That's why I started wearing a ring to remind myself to love myself.) Honestly I don't know if I can bake for Friday or how can I do anything without love.